Portugal v Switzerland is on NOW and Portugal are running away with it at 5-1 up, cutting through the Swiss like a hot knife through cheese – and not just cheese but cheese with with holes in it – holes as big as the ones in the Swiss defence. Sorry, I just found myself channelling Clive Tyldesley there.
In the first half, youthful prodigy Gonçalo Ramos opened the scoring, before Pepe doubled Portugal's lead, becoming the first 70-year-old to score at a World Cup since Cameroon's Roger Milla. Ramos then scored again, Raphael Guerreiro added a fourth before Ramos really rubbed it in with a fifth to complete his hattrick. Gonçalo Ramos, by the way, is playing in place of Cristiano Ronaldo, who is a bit tetchy right now.
Earlier, in a sickening twist, it turned out Portuguese national icon Ronaldo had somehow contrived to piss team coach Fernando Santos off so much, he was relegated to the bench. It doesn't seem to have hurt Portugal's chances.
We have a guide to how to live stream the World Cup but you may as well press on with this guide for now.
What time is Portugal v Switzerland on?
It's on now. Keep up.
What channel is Portugal v Switzerland on in the UK?
Fans based in the UK can watch every moment of World Cup 2022 action for free. The broadcast rights are shared between BBC and ITV, with the final being shown on both. Oh, and you'll need a TV license.
If you're looking to watch online, you can use BBC iPlayer and ITV Hub to stream the games live.
Out of the country right now?
Use ExpressVPN to watch the World Cup 2022 from abroad
Portugal v Switzerland: how to watch in the USA
Coverage in the USA is on Fox Sports 1, or if you want Spanish commentary, try Telemundo. If you live in America and are interested in 'soccer', you probably want Telemundo.
Portugal v Switzerland: how to watch in Australia
In Australia, the entire tournament will be free to view on SBS, and SBS On-Demand.
Out of the country for the World Cup? Use ExpressVPN to watch SBS as if you were at home.
Portugal v Switzerland: How to watch if you're away from home or out of the country
If you find yourself out of the country during the World Cup 2022, you may find that your usual method of watching doesn't work. Fear not, though – the best VPNs can help you navigate around geo-restrictions, to watch as you would when you were sat at home.
Portugal vs Switzerland: what's the story?
Portugal and Switzerland have met on five different occasions in the last six years. The Swiss side took two victories, including most recently, when the sides met in the summer. This game will undoubtedly be the most crucial though, as both sides look to set up a quarter final clash with the winner of this evening's Morocco v Spain game, which saw Spain and their tippy-tappy stuff crash out in dramatic fashion to the lions of North Africa, thanks to some hilariously amateurish penalty taking.
Portugal and Switzerland both picked up two wins and a loss to progress from their respective groups. Switzerland showed tremendous resolve to overcome Serbia in the final game of their group, proving that their determination has the power to win games. That resolve is admirable, but I can't see it being enough to take on Portugal, who have a squad peppered with fantastic talent.